3

a goddamned monster. Revolting doesn’t quite do you justice when it comes to describing how you look. People become nervous around you, often look away, and generally avoid your company just in case their necks throw up too.

4-5

ugly. You have a collection of physical features that puts people off. People tend to avoid you.

6-8

not much to look at. Something’s off with you that makes you unappealing.

9-12

normal. You’re just as dirty, scarred, and foul-smelling as anyone else.

13-15

a looker. Something about you grabs the eye: having all your teeth, an oddly symmetrical face, or a shapely body free from weird bulges.

16-17

hot. Clearly no one told you that being covered in shit and filth is the new black these days.

18

smokin’ hot. People become flustered in your presence and resentful if you reject them. That you are this attractive makes no sense at all—it’s like everyone having straight white teeth in Braveheart. Oh well. Next table, please.